Life is so weird at times. One day everything seems to make perfect sense and then suddenly nothing does anymore. A lot of big changes have happened in the recent months, likely due to my excitement about being as healthy as I have been in a decade or more. But with a lot of change has come the inevitable anxiety. As adept as I have become at keeping it at bay occasionally the dam leaks and a small but significant amount of panic flows through.
Stress is a normal emotion. We feel stress before a big exam or work meeting. Most can choose to either use that energy into a positive force or let it negatively effect their lives. However a small group of people are not allowed this basic ability. Whether it is due to trauma or variations in their brain chemistry and memory the stress turns into anxiety. An anxiety so severe that medication is needed to simply get through the day. There is no off switch or a dial to turn it into something positive. It is just there. This ever present companion that builds up until it can not be self contained and panic ensues.
A lot of factors have led to my current dam break. In one month and nine days my daughter will have been dead for five years, my godfather nearly just was released from prison, I have made huge steps in my personal and working life, and I feel like I have neglected the most important aspect of my life. Me.
