Doomsweek.

Countdown Day 1 wasn't written because for me the last week has seemed like an endless day. An appointment has been scheduled for less than twelve hours from now. All the anxiety from waiting just in a single moment became overwhelming. It isn't like a panic attack but this fear. The kind that makes your heart sink into your stomach. I could find out from this doctor that I am slowly on the mend or that my body has failed me to the point I could need a transplant. It is not like the outcomes are two things I can compare; it is the entire spectrum of possibilities. So many people I know just want to ignore all the outcomes till we know for sure but I need to talk about them. I need to be able to say I am scared of what may come without being told to "it will all work out" or "think positive thoughts". I need just one person to say that no matter what is going on in my body that I can face it. I feel like I am almost being coddled by half the people and the other half go so far out of their way to pretend none of the health issues exist. I know some think that how they respond to me is what is best and I love them for trying but my needs are different than what they think. Because I feel unable to simply speak what I feel I manage to accept it and hold it in till I am out of time to face it (like now, only eight hours and thirty minutes before my appointment). Stress induced insomnia the night that will likely prevent any rest.