Star-crossed Love

Valentines day is tomorrow. A day to celebrate love and relationships, having lost all connection to its brutal beginnings. It has me thinking about all the memories from Valentines past. I was given a stuffed gorilla from my parents in 1998 when I first got sick. I remember being in puppy love with my best friend and it snowing on Shabbot. I remember being taken to a fancy restaurant by my high school sweetheart and out into a nature preserve with an iHome to dance under the stars. I remember two injured people in their first apartment trying to make a romantic dinner with one in crutches and one in a knee brace. I was planning a wedding then.

It almost feels like a dream. He was the father of the baby girl I never got to hold. He was the one who saved up a while to buy me a more amazing ring than I could ever have expected. He was the one who was there holding me the night I found out how sick I was. He was with me the first time I was given an IV for the biologic and tried to make me comfortable during the chemotherapy. His family was with me when I found the perfect dress, his sisters came up with all kinds of ideas for the wedding (even if they were generally all pink related). We knew that when we had more children what the nursery would be. Then suddenly everything changed. All of the issue that we had ignored came to the forefront of our relationship. A cloudy day in the spring saw it all come to an end.

It will be two years soon since it ended. Most of it spent trying to find a way to make things work off and on but there was never a chance at that. I can't say that I am sad for it. A piece of me will always love him as Bethanni's father. I will remember those good times like dancing under the stars or walking along the lake side after he proposed. But I don't want to live with that past. I want a future that is simply that, a future.

I rarely remove anything from my social networking pages, mostly because there is really nothing that I post that I would have to hide or remove. However I think a time has come to do just that. I loved him very much but people really can change.

Happy Valentines Day to whoever reads this. Single or not, it can be a good day.

***This is something I wrote for him a while back after I began to realize that he and I were not "fated" if you will to be together. Hope you enjoy it.***

Your eyes are conflicted with looks of fear and longing, pain and desire. A haunting knowledge that the past becomes repeated in the future and that this moment is ever moving towards the present. You try and seem like everything is fine and that things can work out differently this time. There is this senseless stupidity between you and I that grows greater with each passing second. As your hesitant hands reach for mine I choose to break loose of this perpetual cycle of deceit. I know you. Love will not let you leave, so let's agree to disagree, star-crossed lovers is what we should forever be.