Stress in Groups, Peace Alone

I used to love being around people. The music and the huge crowds in clubs, bars, and concerts was exhilarating to me. I had fun spending a few hours pampering myself before hand (nails, hair, makeup done so carefully that each bit was flawless). I lost that somehow. "Social Anxiety Disorder" is what professionals call it. I am terrified of and mostly avoid social situations. I can still have fun with people I know and I am comfortable with, which are now just a few. Not many friends have stuck around through the last diagnosis and the subsequent treatments. I mean when you are in your late teens early twenty you want to be out, not sitting in someones home while they recuperate from a chemo treatment. The friends I have now did not even come into my life until after that.

Now as I start to try and rediscover life after several years of hell I am struck by how simply interactions can turn into terrifying encounters. Walking through a hallway of a crowed bar has turned from just that into this maze of how to avoid the people there because I do not know them. I do not know what they are capable of. I don't know if it just that I am out of practice in being around people or if it is the PTSD rearing its ugly head making me question the motives of everyone around me. Even the people I know I find it difficult to trust on more than just a surface level, I know they would let nothing happen to me but all the while I can not allow a deeper trust to build.

Although I have to say that I am grateful for them, even if I can never seem to truly trust them. They have handled situations with my anxiety so well. From taking me home during a panic attack to simply coming up and hugging me tight enough that I can for a moment just bury my head and focus my breathing to calm down. I know they can never truly understand the fear that I have being out and
I love them for trying reaching out instead of distancing themselves from me.

But even with their support and with them making me smile after I am out of the anxiety inducing situation I can not explain the relief of being home, in my room, sitting in my tiny little chair. Normally I have to have a show playing in the background to distract me for them thoughts before sleep that often lead to the night flashbacks and panics...but tonight I am finally so calm just being alone that I doubt that will be an issue tonight. My mind is finally finding a place of peace, at least for this night. So for me, who lives on day at a time, it is enough.