Breaking Dams.

Life is so weird at times. One day everything seems to make perfect sense and then suddenly nothing does anymore. A lot of big changes have happened in the recent months, likely due to my excitement about being as healthy as I have been in a decade or more. But with a lot of change has come the inevitable anxiety. As adept as I have become at keeping it at bay occasionally the dam leaks and a small but significant amount of panic flows through.

Stress is a normal emotion. We feel stress before a big exam or work meeting. Most can choose to either use that energy into a positive force or let it negatively effect their lives. However a small group of people are not allowed this basic ability. Whether it is due to trauma or variations in their brain chemistry and memory the stress turns into anxiety. An anxiety so severe that medication is needed to simply get through the day. There is no off switch or a dial to turn it into something positive. It is just there. This ever present companion that builds up until it can not be self contained and panic ensues.

A lot of factors have led to my current dam break. In one month and nine days my daughter will have been dead for five years, my godfather nearly just was released from prison, I have made huge steps in my personal and working life, and I feel like I have neglected the most important aspect of my life. Me.

Good News?

An update is long in coming. I received good news for the first time yet from my doctors and have been celebrating a bit. Since the issues are no longer a concern I will share some of the story before .

My doctors were worried of me going into kidney failure. Years ago the blood disorder caused damage to my kidneys and arthritis can be known to attack the tissue there and cause more damage. The first abnormal test showed enough blood and protein that I was sent to a specialist. Between the first and the second test the amount tripled which caused a lot of concern that the damage may be progressing faster than they had thought. I knew that because of the original damage I was likely to have an issue eventually, but no one expected it to be so soon as twenty-two. Over several weeks of different testing and medication changes I finally got a call. While my kidney function is less than normal the actual damage is not so bad that I even need medication as of yet. Essentially this means that so long as no more damage occurs and I do not abuse my kidneys (which is difficult yet I have managed to cut down from several pots of coffee a day when I was a freshman in college to a cup every several days now) I should not need any treatment for it. Such a relief seeing as if I needed medication then it is simply a downward path towards needing a transplant once the medication is not effective. So now, at least for a time, I am free. I can live my life with one less burden!

Doomsweek.

Countdown Day 1 wasn't written because for me the last week has seemed like an endless day. An appointment has been scheduled for less than twelve hours from now. All the anxiety from waiting just in a single moment became overwhelming. It isn't like a panic attack but this fear. The kind that makes your heart sink into your stomach. I could find out from this doctor that I am slowly on the mend or that my body has failed me to the point I could need a transplant. It is not like the outcomes are two things I can compare; it is the entire spectrum of possibilities. So many people I know just want to ignore all the outcomes till we know for sure but I need to talk about them. I need to be able to say I am scared of what may come without being told to "it will all work out" or "think positive thoughts". I need just one person to say that no matter what is going on in my body that I can face it. I feel like I am almost being coddled by half the people and the other half go so far out of their way to pretend none of the health issues exist. I know some think that how they respond to me is what is best and I love them for trying but my needs are different than what they think. Because I feel unable to simply speak what I feel I manage to accept it and hold it in till I am out of time to face it (like now, only eight hours and thirty minutes before my appointment). Stress induced insomnia the night that will likely prevent any rest.

The Countdown. Day 2.

The higher doses of medication did not work. So still I am in pain with no obvious reason why. Tomorrow I will finally call the doctor and hope for a quick appointment for the next round of testing and experimenting with medications. Yet somehow I am finally calm. At peace if you will. I guess laying awake for six hours mentally making a plan for each known diagnoses you can finally start to accept whatever may come. I know nothing ever stays the same for long, not for me or anyone else.

The only thing that worries me now is the response of those around me. Few people know how to react to illness. They either make a huge deal out of it or try and ignore it; neither or which works. The only way to make the one sick not feel like an out cast or less human is to acknowledge it. Discuss it and find a way to incorporate a new routine that works for everyone involved. From doing something extra to help out when someone is in pain or fatigued to just listening when they need an ear to vent, bitch, or cry with. Some people are blessed to never know chronic sickness and for that I am thankful. But there is always empathy to be had for those we do not understand. I can empathize with how hard it is for them to deal and accept something so utterly out of their control like another persons health. Hopefully with the coming months as this chapter of my life unfolds the people I am around will empathize more and more with my situation.

So here I am, another night of insomnia due to this pain. It is now 6:44am. Which I guess means this is technically Monday but as I haven't slept I am calling it Sunday in this post at least. I will lay down again and try and rest some before finally getting to make the anticipated phone call.

The Countdown. Days 5, 4, and 3.

The waiting mostly continues. Only a small bit of information has been found and it isn't really good news. My second kidney test was worse than the first one which is not a good sign of things to come. The worst thing however has been the exhaustion. Mentally from the stress of not knowing still and physically from my health declining. Napping did not help and neither did forcing myself to get up and move and be productive; it was just constant exhaustion. The people I have been around have been truly helpful in their own ways so I am somehow holding on to the little strength I have left. It is hard though at times to realize how limited I am in comparison to others. Doing basic things are being harder and harder. Even my concentration level is slipping and things such as writing are getting more difficult. I have never been one for physical labor so not being able to carry things or move as quickly as others doesn't bother me so much. The mind is what I hate feeling out of control of. I love writing, not just typing things on a computer, but sitting in a nice spot with a pen and paper. Letting the words flow with no true purpose other than to just be. I can't seem to do that now. I try and the words will not come. Even as good as this blog is and talking with people about the stress nothing compares to that release of just letting go. Hopefully in the coming days as I learn at least a little bit more of my fate I will be able to start it again.


(Three days were written with my phone and had issues uploading. I edited them into one post just to make it easier on me.)

The Countdown. Day 6

I am a little late on this post. Spent day six of this trying to keep my mind occupied. Which, while mostly successful, it is impossible to do completely. Every time a muscle would tense, a joint ache, or I was heading to the bathroom yet again I had to wonder how bad everything going on in my body is. Will it get worse? Will I ever feel "normal"? The uncertainty is a million times more draining than the pain and discomfort I physically feel. Five more days till I learn anything new. I don't think it would be as bad if I didn't know the possible diagnoses. But I do. And I have researched them every spare second I have had. I have even stopped playing my game (which for anyone who knows me personally should explain how preoccupied this all has me) simply to try and learn more. I am scared, I never planned to be in this position again but yet, here I am. Waiting on more tests to find a diagnosis to find an appropriate course of action. But through all this I am still the one who feels the aches, pains, and knows my body better than a lab...and I for once have no doubts as to what is to come.

The Countdown. Day 7.

I want to start by saying thank you to those who have read any of my posts and either prayed or sent good thoughts my way (whichever you are into of course). You may never understand how much healing comes from this simply act of writing.

The last two weeks have been filled with so much uncertainty. Symptoms I have never experienced on top of the same ones I have dealt with for fifteen years. Something new and wrong is going on inside my body. I held out seeing my doctor for a while. To be honest as bad as the pain was I was more scared of going to my doctor than dealing with it. Every time I have gone it has been life altering news. I am starting to like my life and had finally adjusted to the other health issues. A new illness, if the past is any indicator, is followed by huge changes. From the death of my only daughter to being forced to drop out of college. I am not scared of another illness, I already know the likely diagnosis, treatment options, prognosis, etc. Yet I do not know what will accompany it. I have a week of my regular medications raised as a last attempt to rule out any minor causes for the symptoms before I receive the official diagnosis. I am not certain of what will come from it but I think this go around, as terrified as I am, I finally have a little bit of hope. My dearest friends and fellow angel mommies have been wonderful in dealing with my little mini meltdowns and they have brought me back up to where I need to be mentally. Times are still hard, I am still terrified, but with their help I found some sort of peace. I know my life is about to change in some way, big or small, but I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me during it.

So here comes the countdown till next Monday.